Yuxin Sun, a psychologist in Seattle, sees many clients in her group practice who insist that they are not perfectionists. “’Oh, I’m not perfect. I’m far from perfect,’” they told him.
But perfectionism isn’t about being the best at any particular pursuit, Dr. Sun, “it’s the feeling of never getting to that place, never feeling good enough, never feeling good enough.” And that can create a harsh inner voice that belittles and punishes us.
Perfectionism is so pervasive that there is a test to measure it: the Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale. When the researchers looked at how college students responded to the scale’s questions over time, they found that perfection rates had increased in recent decades, peaking between 2006 and 2022.
Thomas Curran, an associate professor of psychology at the London School of Economics and Political Science who led the analysis, said the type of perfectionism with the steepest rise – socially prescribed perfectionism – is rooted in the belief that others expect you to be perfect. Today’s youth are more likely to score higher on this measure than someone who took the test decades ago. There may be several reasons for the increase: increased parental expectations, school pressures, the ubiquity of social media influencers and advertising.
Feelings of not being good enough or that “my current circumstances in life are inadequate or insufficient” create a “relentless treadmill,” says Dr. Curran, where “there is no joy in success and a lot of self-criticism.”
Regardless of whether you consider yourself a perfectionist, experts say there are some small things you can try to keep your inner critic at bay.
Get some distance from your thoughts.
Ethan Kross, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan and the author of “Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters and How to Harness It,” says a process called distancing is his “first line of defense” against the negative. thoughts.
Distancing is a way of zooming out of our internal chatter to interact with it in a different way. If you’re struggling with something in the middle of the night, for example, that’s a cue to “jump into the mental time-travel machine,” he says.
Start by thinking: “How will you feel about this tomorrow morning?” Anxieties often seem less severe in daylight.
The time period can also be further into the future. Will the fact that you stumbled a few times in your big presentation today really matter three months from now?
Another way to practice distancing is to avoid the person’s first word when thinking about something that upsets you.
Instead of saying: “I can’t believe I made that mistake. I was so stupid then,” one can gain a new perspective by saying: “Christina, you made a mistake. You feel bad now. But you won’t feel it forever. And your mistake is something that has happened to many other people.
In Dr. Cross’s research, he found that when people used the word “you” or their own name instead of saying “I,” and began to observe their feelings as if they were a neutral object, it was “like flip the switch.” This resulted in an internal dialogue that was more constructive and positive than when people spoke to themselves in the first person. A number of study reported similar benefits to assuming more separate perspective
Accept what is good enough.
Dr. Curran, who writes about her own struggles in her book “The Perfection Trap,” explains that she has worked to embrace “good enough” perfectionism and the negative thoughts that come with it.
With perfection, it can feel like there’s never “enough.” Accepting what is “good enough” requires letting go, says Dr. Curran. Working nights, weekends and holidays became part of her identity, but after the birth of her son she reduced her hours, which became “liberating.”
His decisions in the past were driven by a desperate need to improve himself, he added. Now, when thinking about how to spend her time, she tries to focus on things that bring her joy, purpose and meaning.
This is a philosophy shared by Canadian physician and trauma expert Dr. Gabor Maté, who said to a recent podcast that a sense of legitimacy or worthiness must come from within, lest people “sacrifice their playfulness, their joy” for external validation.
Practice self-compassion.
In general, perfectionism is basically a survival strategy — it’s “like a suit of armor you wear” to make yourself less vulnerable, says Dr. Sun. So don’t beat yourself up about being a perfectionist, she adds.
But if that armor is weighing you down, it might be time to thank your perfectionism for its service and move on, like home organizer Marie Kondo does when throwing away possessions, says Dr. Sun.
“Maybe you can remove the arms first,” he says, then work on removing the metaphorical legs. You may want to ask a mental health professional to help with the process.
“A lot of times I work with people on building inner safety,” which is the ability to give yourself the validation you need to feel calm and at peace, says Dr. Sun, so that one day they can say to themselves: “I accept what I am now, compared to the way I ‘should’ be.”
