The four older children agreed.
Their father, William Curry, a retired electrical engineer and business executive, is falling further into dementia. They found a memory care facility about a mile from their parents’ home in Chelmsford, Mass., where they thought Mr. Curry.
But their mother, Melissa, who was 83 when her family began urging her to make this change in 2016, remains determined to continue caring for her 81-year-old husband at home, despite of increasing damage to his own health. When her children brought up the issue of a move, “she wouldn’t talk about it,” said her daughter, Shannon Curry, 56. “She’d clam up. Sometimes she’d cry.”
However, Melissa Curry’s memory is also shaky. He forgot to give his wife medicines, or the doses were wrong. The family is worried about falls and fires. Even after they persuaded her to accept a hired help several days a week, the couple was still alone most of the day as well as overnight.
As the weeks went by, “we really didn’t struggle,” Ms. Curry. “Did you override your mom?”
Enter the mediator. Through a friend, Ms. Curry talks about Elder Decisions, a company that offers “elderly family mediation.” His parents and siblings agreed to give it a try. Crystal Thorpe, the company’s principal and founder, and a co-mediator, Rikk Larsen, interviewed family members by phone, then scheduled a session around the family’s dinner table. parents
Often associated with business disputes or divorce and custody cases, trained mediators can also help families struggling with a range of vexing elder care issues: appropriate living arrangements, caregiving responsibilities, communication and information sharing, and health and financial decisions.
When families seek mediation, “they want to do what’s best, but there are different perspectives on what ‘best’ might mean,” Ms. Thorpe.
Sometimes, the court orders elder mediation, which usually involves custody or assets and inheritances. How often that happens depends on state laws and the individual judge’s enthusiasm for the process.
“It would be nice if more judges said, ‘You need a mediator; choose one from the approved list,’” said JulieAnn Calareso, president of the New York chapter of the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys.
But increasingly, families are seeking elder mediation in private, before disputes end up in court and damage or destroy family relationships.
“If families can avoid litigation — its costs, its stress — they’ll get a better outcome,” says Beth Polner Abrahams, a trained mediator and elder law attorney in Long Island. “There will be no winners or losers – there will be a compromise.”
Mediation differs from arbitration, where an arbitrator weighs the arguments and makes a determination that the antagonists agree to accept. The mediator maintains neutrality and helps the parties reach an agreement among themselves, centered on the needs and wishes of the senior.
Even people who lack capacity in the legal sense can often make their wishes known, Ms. Thorpe. When that is not possible, mediators can use the person’s previous statements or documents.
Mediation is also different from family therapy, although sessions can be similarly emotional as participants become angry or tearful, tending to old wounds and airing grievances.
“These are messy situations,” said DeLila Bergan, an elder mediator in Denton, Texas, and co-chair of the Association for Conflict Resolution’s elder mediation section.
“We’re not trying to make everyone happy and happy and loving each other — that’s a job for a therapist. But we can keep them talking and focused on the issues, and keep it calm, without name-calling.”
He recalls a dispute over a family home that a widow was preparing to sell to finance her move to independent living. One of the children felt she “owed the house,” Ms. Bergan, because he lived here for several years and contributed to the renovation costs.
“But there was no consensus on that” among the other children and grandchildren, Ms. Bergen. “The fight got really ugly.”
After three months of negotiations, the family reached an agreement: the daughter would buy the house at the price the mother had accepted. Although resentments persist, “this is an agreement that everyone can live with,” Ms. Bergen.
Sometimes, parties document decisions in a memorandum of understanding, or a to-do list, or a care schedule; families may agree to exchange information on a private family website, or text chain.
The process and any resolution reached remains confidential — which is important, because some families are embarrassed to even admit that they have sought mediation. Then, mediators can stay in touch at the family’s request, to facilitate communications.
Because elder mediation is a relatively new field, with no national certification or licensing requirements, techniques and costs vary. A mediation can last 90 minutes, three hours or several days. Some mediators are also lawyers, or social workers. Some bring elder law attorneys, or financial advisors, into the process.
In Texas, Ms. Bergan, who works alone, charges $1,500 to $2,500 for most senior mediation cases. In more expensive Massachusetts, Elder Decisions, which typically employs two mediators, charges $400 to $500 an hour.
But the alternative can be devastating. Litigation takes months or even years, and costs run into tens of thousands of dollars.
To find trained mediators, families can consult with Association for Conflict ResolutionThe Academy of Professional Family Mediators or between.com, and find professionals who provide elder mediation. (Their ranks are still thin, but mediation is increasingly happening online, making it more widely available wherever family members live or where the mediator practices.)
It does not always succeed. If key family members refuse to come to the table, “mediation without their presence will not be appropriate,” Ms. Thorpe. “If there’s a sense of coercion or suspicion of abuse or neglect, that’s not appropriate.” He expects the participants to show good faith, a willingness to wrestle with a resolution.
When mediation works, it can maintain or even strengthen bonds, allowing families to celebrate birthdays, graduations and weddings together despite past conflicts. “They should stand together next to their parent’s grave,” said Ms. Abrahams.
William and Melissa Curry and their children, along with the youngest participant via speakerphone from South Carolina, spent about an hour and a half talking with Ms. Thorpe and Mr. Larsen.
Shannon Curry described their session in late April as “a problem-solving meeting where everyone feels heard, everyone has a say,” including her father. “We talked about compromise. What can you live with, and what can’t you live with?,” she recalled. “It was almost a very loving attempt to find solutions.”
With his mother’s agreement, the family moved Mr. Curry in his new apartment a few months later. Less isolated than at her previous home, she became friendly with staff and other residents, and seemed to enjoy the activities. Her husband visits once or twice a day, joins her for meals and fitness classes, and also seems to benefit from the social interaction.
He died at the age of 82, eight months after his transfer. Four years later, her husband died in the same memory care unit, aged 88.
Not all families can resolve conflicts in a single mediation session, but in this case “it was a big help,” Shannon Curry said. “I wish we had done this two years ago.”
