As a reporter covering sex and intimacy, I spend a lot of time listening to experts extol the virtues of open, honest communication. To have good sex — and to maintain good sex over time — couples must be willing to talk about it, they say.
But some people would rather leave their relationships than have those conversations, says Jeffrey Chernin, a marriage and family therapist and the author of “Achieving Intimacy: How to Have a Loving Relationship That Lasts” — especially if things in the bedroom aren’t working out. particularly good.
“One of the things I often say to struggling couples is: ‘I wish there was another way to get through this,'” she said. “But the only way I know to have a better sex life, or to continue your sex life, is to discuss it.”
Recognized by Dr. Chernin how stressful those conversations can be, sometimes devolving into finger-pointing, belittling, or stonewalling. That said, these suggestions may help.
Embrace the awkwardness.
It’s common for partners to have trouble talking about intimacy and desire. Research suggests that even in long-term relationships, people know only about 60 percent on what their partner likes sexually, and only about 25 percent on what they don’t like.
Cyndi Darnell, a sex and relationships therapist in New York City, says her patients often tell her that talking about sex is “awkward” — which is especially true “if you spend months or years that avoids it,” he said.
“We’ve been tricked into believing that sex is natural,” he added. “But, if it was easy and natural, people wouldn’t struggle with it as much as they do.”
He mentioned a couple he worked with, both in their 50s, who hadn’t had sex in years. Every time they talk, they fight. So they sought outside help to alleviate their shame and anger.
In therapy, they realize that they are only focused on penetration, but the wife really craves intimacy and tenderness. And once the wife realized that her husband wasn’t going to “grab her” every time she hugged him, they were able to be more sensual with each other — and talk about what they wanted to do and why, says by Ms. Darnell. But it required a spirit of willingness, curiosity and acceptance.
Death in ‘We need to talk.’
The dread that often accompanies these conversations can be removed, if you approach them with sensitivity. “When a partner says, ‘We need to talk,’ says Dr. Chernin, “other people feel like, ‘I’m going to the principal’s office.'”
Instead, try:
Focus on solving the problem together
That means saying something like: “On the one hand, I know how difficult this is for us to talk about,” said Dr. Chernin. “On the other hand, I think it’s important for our marriage or for our relationship to have some discussions about our sex life.”
Then ask: “What can we do about it?”
Prepare questions in advance
A script offers scaffolding, Ms. Darnell. He suggested signs like: “Our relationship is really important to me, and I want sex to be a part of it (again). I’m curious if that’s something you want too?”
Bring some positives
Maggie Bennett-Brown, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and an assistant professor at Texas Tech University, says “it doesn’t have to be so blatant.” Maybe you tell your partner you like it when they hug you or plan a romantic night on the town.
If you’ve been intimate for a long time, it helps to reminisce — and it can lead to a deeper question. “If people never had a conversation about: ‘What do you enjoy?’ that’s a good first step,” said Dr. Bennett-Brown.
Be careful with your timing
Be careful about starting a discussion about sex in bed, says Dr. Chernin, especially if you are critical. (Although some couples may find it easier to talk about sex when they’re basking in the sun, she said.)
“Think of a conversation as a series of discussions,” says Dr. Chernin. “That way, you’re not putting too much pressure on yourself or your partner.”
Know when to talk to a professional.
If your partner doesn’t want to talk — or if the conversation feels painful, not just uncomfortable, says Ms. Darnell – a sex therapist or couples counselor can help mediate.
He didn’t underestimate how high-profile these conversations were. But he adds that sex may not always be a necessary part of a satisfying romantic relationship.
“One of the questions I often ask my couples for whom sex is a sensitive and difficult issue is: Does this relationship have to be sexual?” he says. She worked with a couple in their 30s and 40s who realized they liked to engage in flirty banter, but didn’t want to go beyond that. “The permission to not have sex at this stage of their relationship was huge — and a relief,” she says.
“Sex is more than what we do with our pants off,” she says.
