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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How To Do It,
I’m a 50-something straight man in a healthy relationship with a woman I love very much and is very sexy and attractive. Our sex life is active and fulfilling, and we talk openly about everything, including sex. We enjoy experimenting and being sexually compatible. But he doesn’t know what I think when it comes to orgasm time.
I almost always think about other women during sex. I run a porn reel in my head. Throughout my life, whether I’m having sex with a partner or masturbating, I’m usually starring in my own little private porn production. There wasn’t much difference in what was going through my mind as I climaxed in either case. I know your advice is almost always centered around openness and communication, but I honestly think that even the kindest possible discussion about this would crush my partner.
I tried to redirect my thoughts many times without success. Sex is great. But at the climax, I turned to the X-rated highlight reel. I know that repressed desires seem to fit the bill in terms of explaining why I do it, and maybe it was true when I developed the habit, but ironically, my partner is probably more than happy to do any of the bad things. I wonder if he thought it would happen. a turn on for me. So what specifically do people think about during sex? Is it disrespectful to my partner to think about someone other than him during sex? Is there any hope of changing lifelong sex habits?
Story: I mean, people think about all kinds of things during sex.
rich: I think that’s ideal—and this is a very subjective interpretation of what’s ideal—but for me, the best sex is when you go into a flow state where you’re not really thinking about anything. It’s like you’re just experiencing it. You won’t always go there. And so, there are many different methods that people use to get over the edge. Some may need sex toys. We hear from owners who ask, “I use a vibrator to get off. That’s how I do it. No one else will do it for me. Can I do this with a partner?” And I always say, “Yes, of course.” With so much of this stuff that gets you over the edge, it’s like, well, you’ve got to do what it takes. you do.
Story: While this guy is thinking about his X-rated highlight reel, some guys are thinking about anything that isn’t arousing at all to avoid having an orgasm sooner than they want to. Sometimes my brain just goes to weird places—anything from a grocery list to a dreamlike scenario, one of those super surreal, swirling dream types.
rich: When my mind wanders, I always try to bring it back. It’s like a form of meditation, where a thought pops up and it breaks your concentration and you just say, “Oh, I see that thought. I can just turn my attention away from that thought .I see the thought and keep trying to do the thing I’m doing.” But I really think that during the best sex for me, that’s not an issue. It’s this kind of experience that goes beyond thought and words.
Story: Certainly, the flow state is great. But the reality of having multiple orgasms tends to inherently involve either taking a step out, or it’s actually a step in and then taken back a step out.
rich: I got. That’s right.
Story: In that moment, it becomes hallucinogenic, or in the moment outside it’s like, “Oh, I’ve got to get the stuff for the floor that dampens the noise of the chair on the leg because I can hear the cats playing on the chair.” But I really don’t think that anyone will be happy if I go, “If you can just pause, I mean, I guess you can continue going. Just let me get my phone and put it on the grocery list.” So I don’t know why I felt the need to give context, but—
rich: No no. I love this.
Story: We hear from people who are thinking about a certain ex. We’ve heard from people who think about their particular fetish. And one thing that occurs to me is that even though it wouldn’t be something in his formative years, when he says “running a highlight reel,” like a porn highlight reel, that’s how a lot of guys watch porn. consume it.
I believe in women too, but we don’t really hear from women who are so into mainstream porn. But through his viewing habits, that has become part of his sexual response. That’s something to think about, the particular pattern of porn use. I’m not necessarily sure it’s bad other than it’s the thing he’s holding back in an otherwise very openly communicative relationship.
rich: That’s right. And he recognizes that by revealing this information, it may hurt someone’s feelings. So if that’s the only real effect it has, then you’re kind of revealing for formality’s sake. If you know you have this piece of information that would be hurtful if disclosed, and you’re not breaking any kind of rules by no revealing it, I think it’s better to keep it to yourself.
Story: I do wonder if he thinks—given the things he knows about the girl he’s dating—that she has a crush on him, or if he thinks that telling anyone will make them crush on him. Because he seems to enjoy experimenting and having something new and different and he says he’s probably up for any of the things he can think of. So there’s also a decent chance that he might be like, “Oh, it’s really hot. Tell me what you think.” Or “Oh, let me tell you what I think when I decide I want to have an orgasm.”
rich: I’m not sure if there’s been any research on this, but it seems reasonable to experience a large part of your sex life in this particular mode, i.e. the audio-visual stimulation of porn, and then feel the urge to continue the that kind of experience when they have sex. You are so used to its cinema that it goes over the edge. It’s not your fault. That’s just how it goes.
You can also look at it as a type of wiring. Maybe you’re not naturally wired that way, but you’ve come that way. If you’re having great sex, and it’s just about getting over the hump here, I think you can think about what you want. We have a few questions along these lines: Fantasizing during sex—how ethical is it? How much should you share? And I generally believe that while it’s fine to focus solely on your partner and not have anyone else in the world in your sights, sometimes it’s what people have to do and that’s OK.
Story: I’m thinking of someone who wrote to us in August with a very detailed argument against our policy of allowing thinking, about thinking about other people during sex.
rich: Yes.
Story: So with that in mind, if she really thinks her partner is going to have a problem with this, I think it’s best to tell her in the nicest, gentlest way possible and let her decide now, instead of leaving it as something he should do. never, ever reveal lest later he admit to leaving something for years that he knew would bother him.
rich: I believe what you are saying is that the assumption must come from a direct indication. If he says something like, “Gee, I really don’t like it when my partner’s mind wanders during sex,” or “I don’t want to think that my partner is thinking about something else,” the assumption is reasonable. Otherwise, it’s just a projection. Don’t let the projection get you down.
Story: If he hasn’t said something that clearly says it would be a problem for him if he knew about it, there’s no need to bring it up. There is no need to discuss a subject if he has reason to believe that it will anger him, but also reason to believe that it will no be a deal breaker.
rich: Yes. So this is very specific advice. You pretty much have to leave the reporting you’ve collected throughout the relationship.
Story: Should we make a decision tree? If this, then this. If that, then that.
rich: I think the bigger rule we’re talking about here is to base your decisions on evidence. Use context. But if you’re creating potential situations where you really have in mind how your behavior could become a problem, you can save yourself and not create a problem where there isn’t one. one.
More Advice From Slate
It was recently reported that someone made porn at work when he was young. This porn is inconsistent with his apparent orientation (he is married to a woman). We’re a pretty small workplace, so it went fast. Our boss probably knows at this point.
